a look at myself

Some times i wonder if I was really meant for motherhood. Today is one of those days. Before I continue I must say I love my children more than my own life, and that may be why I question myself from time to time. They deserve the best right?

Today I am questioning myself for a particular reason. I came home from work in a sour mood, not really sure why. This whole day I have been stressed and grumpy for no reason, who knows why. Luckily my children were scattered, playing with friends so the only one who really felt my wrath was my dear forgiving husband. By the time dinner time rolls around I am now feeling very guilty for not having even hugged one of my children at all today. But this is dinner time right? I can redeem myself. Nope. For the short 20 minutes I have with my kids this is what I sound like "sit down!", "eat your peas!", "dont make a mess!", "quit climbing all over your chair!", "Get out from under the table!", "finish your dinner!", "quit playing with the cat!", "no you cannot leave the table you haven't even touched your food!". At one point my 4 year old spilled her drink, luckily my 8 years old could see the big vein in my head about to pop and quickly cleans it up. Wow. If that doesn't show how much she knows me, I don't know what does. No wonder as soon as dinner was over the kids bolted, running over to the neighbors house. Where I am sure the mother is much more nurturing than I.

After I had cleaned the kitchen I sat down in the living room noticing how empty and quiet the house was. I couldn't blame anyone for leaving, I didnt even want to be around me. I sat in the rocking chair and cried. Which is probably just what I was needing to do all day. (why didnt I just get it over with at 9 o'clock this morning?) I gave myself a pep talk and swore the next child that walked through the door, I was going to hug.
So when my two year old woke up from his late nap crying I sat in the rocking chair and held him for about twenty minutes. My other children came home (of course it was just to grab swimsuits) and then left again.

So hear I sit questioning my self and wither or not I really should have had children. I mess up all the time, I yell when I probably shouldn't, and my patience is about as long as my arm. On the other hand I cant imagine my life with out them, they are the one thing that I know I cant live without, and the one thing that I would give my life for. I ache when they ache, I cry when they cry, and I laugh when they laugh. I want then to grow up healthy and happy. So I guess I am going to have to say, Yes I should be a mom. I am not perfect (far from it) but I want the best for my children.

I think times like these are good, hopefully I will remember them more than they do, but times like this make me want to be a better mom. Make me want to try harder and love stronger.